Old folks jokes in honor of the old goats around here.

Chat
1

NO 1:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain’t nuthing wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain’t nuthin’ wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain’t stickin’ my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya hafta stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don’t it?!"

2

No 2:

Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wantiing to miss a vital organ and becomes a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

3

No 3:

After making woman, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?"

So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, and went behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, "Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you’d enjoy that, and now I’d like you to kiss and caress Eve."

And Adam said, "Lord, what’s a ‘caress’?"

So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even more exciting this time."

And the Lord said, "You’ve done well, Adam, and now I want you to kiss, caress, and then make love to Eve."

And Adam said, "Lord, what’s ‘making love’?" So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam again went with Eve behind the bush.

But this time, a minute later he reappeared and Adam said, "Lord, what’s a ‘headache’"

4

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa Bob.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Nana and bursts into her Grandpa Bob’s room …

"Grandpa Bob, Grandpa Bob," she says excitedly, "As soon as Nana comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa Bob.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Nana said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!

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[size=150:3targb98][b:3targb98]WHERE’S ABUCK ON THIS THREAD ??[/b:3targb98][/size:3targb98] Why is it OK with him to make jokes about American "old goats" but not Asians ??? :lol: :lol: :lol:

6

No 3:

Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to a maximum speed on the long corridors.

Everybody tolerates each other, and some of the men have actually been known to join in.

The other day, Ethel was speeding up a corridor when a door opened and John stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched, "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Old Crazy Bill popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, 'mam."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Not so Old Alfred stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

8

No 4:

Young lady, "How do you find an old man in the dark?"

Old lady, " It’s not very hard!"

9

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. ‘Dad, I know that babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?’ he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. ‘You don’t have to make something up, Dad. It’s OK if you don’t know the answer.’

10

An old lady gets on a bus. She sits in the only available seat, next to two guys with thick accents. She can’t help but overhear the conversation:

"Emma comes first. Then I come, by two asses. Next, I come again, with the two asses. Then, I come and pee twice. In the end, I come all alone."

The woman turns around, having heard enough. "Young man," she screams, "this is a public bus and I am dignified lady and I have no interest in hearing this filth that you are spewing! Would you please be quiet!"

And the guy says "Lady, I try to keepa it down, but it’sa only way I’ma can spella Mississippi."

12

funny funny

13

Two women went on a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic with the cocktails. Drunk and walking home, they realized they both needed to pee. They were near a graveyard and one suggested they do their business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive underwear she didn’t want to throw away, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on the grave.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other’s husband and says “these damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.”

“That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine had a card stuck between the cheeks of her rear: ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you!’"

14

You may not believe this, but…

Not too long back, I attended a ballgame at a town just East of here. At halftime, a kidney call was required.

While in the men’s room attending to business, there were a couple of gentlemen a couple of urinals down talking to each other. I recognized them from their talk but I don’t think they knew who I was.

Anyway, one was rather rotund and the other was tall and thin. The rotund one was complaing and saying that due to his large belly, he could no longer see little willie and the twins.

The other guy replied, "well, why don’t you diet?"

And Mr. Rotund said, "why, what color is it?"

Wanta guess who these guys were?

15

I was walking along the Little Scioto when I heard a female voice say, "Sir, I would like to ask a great favor of you."

I looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a old log. "I must be going nuts," I thought, "There’s no one here."

The voice then said, "Please, sir. Please, Please help me."

Again all I saw was the frog, looking straight at me. "Who said that?" I asked rather loudly.

"I did, sir. I’m the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me."

I picked up the frog and held it in my hand. "How can I help you?" I asked.

"The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you."

I shut my fist around the frog and stuck it in my pocket. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.

16

-------Original Message-------

From: Perry Staley
Date: 01/25/10 18:58:06
To: Billie House
Subject: Senior health care solution,

Senior Health Care Solution
So you’re a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison.
There you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

17

^^^ Im all for that one! :122245

18

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen
restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good
and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and
the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen
because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have
never been there before.

19

: I’m from the government…

The Power of a Badge…

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s
big Santa Gertrudis bull…

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE! "

20

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex.’ He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I’ll take the soup.