For the girls or some guys if they want to laugh

[orange-n-brown 365]

ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ??????
you may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was on e, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, y ou have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of t he bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, use d, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!! It could save your life!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
ComfortableAlways Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

[mstangmom]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough
> day trying to
> get a stay of execution for a client who was due to
> be hanged
> for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for
> clemency to the
> governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and
> depressed.
> As soon as he walked through the door at home, his
> wife
> started on him about, 'What time of night to be
> getting home is
> this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm
> not
> reheating it'. And on and on and on.
>
> Too shattered to play his usual role in this
> familiar
> ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of
> whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
> bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic
> remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
>
> While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
>
> The wife answered and was told that her husband's
> client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
> execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
> tonight.
> Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have
> had,
> she decided to go upstairs and give him the good
> news.
>
> As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted
> by the sight of her husband, bent over naked,
> drying his legs and feet.
>
> 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
> To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE
> LOVE OF
> GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

[jeepgirl_4life]

A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The undertaker,” she replied

[OZZIEOHIO]

[mstangmom]

What Do Retired People Do All Day?




Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day Claire and I went into town
and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a
senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the
ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Claire called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing
a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we
abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care...We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.