Jokes Part ???
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orange-n-brown 365
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ItownHosscat
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A cop pulls over an horsedrawn Amish buggy.
He walks up to the front and the lady is upset.
The policeman tells her to calm down that hes not giving her a ticket.
He says, the reason I pulled you over was your caution plackard was loose and laid over to one side.
The woman replies thank you I'll tell my husband when I get home.
The policeman also says your reins are tangled around the horses testicles.
Again she said she would tell her husband when she got home.
She thanked the policeman and went home.
When she got there she told her husband about the plackard,and he replied no problem I'll fix it now.
She then remembered about the reins and yelled out the door to her husband.
He also said the emergency brake needed ajusted as well.
He walks up to the front and the lady is upset.
The policeman tells her to calm down that hes not giving her a ticket.
He says, the reason I pulled you over was your caution plackard was loose and laid over to one side.
The woman replies thank you I'll tell my husband when I get home.
The policeman also says your reins are tangled around the horses testicles.
Again she said she would tell her husband when she got home.
She thanked the policeman and went home.
When she got there she told her husband about the plackard,and he replied no problem I'll fix it now.
She then remembered about the reins and yelled out the door to her husband.
He also said the emergency brake needed ajusted as well.
Never Give Up!
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ballparent
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Burg_Grad_77
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A penquin takes his car into the shop to get it repaired and tells the mechanic that he's going to leave the car and come back later and see what's wrong with it.
When the penquin returns he has something sticky all over his feet. The mechanic looks up as the penquin walks in and says, "Man, it looks like you blew a seal" and the penquin says, "No, that's just ice cream".
When the penquin returns he has something sticky all over his feet. The mechanic looks up as the penquin walks in and says, "Man, it looks like you blew a seal" and the penquin says, "No, that's just ice cream".
"Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends"
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YOU'RE TIGER BAIT
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A man approached a beautiful woman in a huge supermarket and said, " I've gotten separated from my wife somewhere in this store. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she ask.
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere, and I'm tired of looking for her!"
"Why?" she ask.
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere, and I'm tired of looking for her!"
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Burg_Grad_77
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Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made".
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made".
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
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yabbadabbadoo
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Two midget twin brothers win the lottery and decide they are going out on the town. Once they get out they decide that they want some action so they find two prostitutes. They go to a hotel and get adjoining rooms. The first midget is in his room getting undressed when he hears coming from the other room, "one, two, three, uuuggghhhh!!!" He sits there a little bit when he hears it again, "one, two, three, uuuugggghhhh!!!!" This goes on for awhile and he gets caught up in listening to it, so excited for his brother, he is unable to do anything with the woman he is with, so he sends her out and goes to sleep.
The next morning he rushes over to his brothers room and tells him, "man, I got to listening to all the fun you were having with your woman, I wasn't able to do anything." His brother looks at him and says, "Fun hell. I wasn't even able to get on the bed all night long."
The next morning he rushes over to his brothers room and tells him, "man, I got to listening to all the fun you were having with your woman, I wasn't able to do anything." His brother looks at him and says, "Fun hell. I wasn't even able to get on the bed all night long."
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yabbadabbadoo
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A man wakes up one morning and notices he has a orange johnson. He's a little shocked so he calls his doctor to schedule an appointment. The doctor tells him to come on in and he would take a look at it.
Once he gets into the doctor, the doc looks at it and ask the man if he remembers exacty what he did last night. The man ponders for a minute and then he says, "Yes, I remember I was drinking beer, eating cheetos and watching pornos."
Once he gets into the doctor, the doc looks at it and ask the man if he remembers exacty what he did last night. The man ponders for a minute and then he says, "Yes, I remember I was drinking beer, eating cheetos and watching pornos."
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Philos_Finest
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Burg_Grad_77
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk
lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was
still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly
frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it
go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?", she asks.
He says, "Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.
wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk
lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was
still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly
frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it
go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?", she asks.
He says, "Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.
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Burg_Grad_77
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- Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2005 12:34 am
- Location: On The Ridge
The Poker Player
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Little Johnny in class?
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that c*nt ages to finish that fence.'"
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that c*nt ages to finish that fence.'"
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alabama mike
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alabama mike
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Regardless of one's age, you simply should always
> > plan ahead:
> > The local news station was interviewing an
> > 80-year-old lady because she had
> > just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
> > The interviewer asked her questions about her life,
> > about what it felt like
> > to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new
> > husband's
> > occupation.
> >
> > 'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
> >
> > 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked
> > her if she wouldn't mind
> > telling him a little about her first three husbands
> > and what they
> > did for a living.
> >
> > She paused for a few moments, needing time to
> > reflect on all those years.
> > After a short time, a smile came to her face and she
> > answered
> > proudly, explaining that she'd first married a
> > banker when she was in her
> > early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her
> > 40's, later on a
> > preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a
> > funeral director.
> >
> > The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and
> > asked why she had
> > married four men with such diverse careers.
> >
> > She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the
> > money, two for the show,
> > three to get ready, and four to go.'
> >
> >
> > plan ahead:
> > The local news station was interviewing an
> > 80-year-old lady because she had
> > just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
> > The interviewer asked her questions about her life,
> > about what it felt like
> > to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new
> > husband's
> > occupation.
> >
> > 'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
> >
> > 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked
> > her if she wouldn't mind
> > telling him a little about her first three husbands
> > and what they
> > did for a living.
> >
> > She paused for a few moments, needing time to
> > reflect on all those years.
> > After a short time, a smile came to her face and she
> > answered
> > proudly, explaining that she'd first married a
> > banker when she was in her
> > early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her
> > 40's, later on a
> > preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a
> > funeral director.
> >
> > The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and
> > asked why she had
> > married four men with such diverse careers.
> >
> > She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the
> > money, two for the show,
> > three to get ready, and four to go.'
> >
> >