Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

CRISCO..............


A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Mam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband.
He's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your husband's name is Crisco?'

The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public'

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call him at home?'

'Lard a$$.

You gotta love old people!

[Orange and Brown]

I find absolutely NOTHING "funny or joking" to say on this SAD DATE!!

what about all the other sad dates throughout the year?

[Tiger Lady]

Exhaustipated

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

It will be especially useful to you Senior folks!

Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a sh!t.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first
intermission he needed to use the restroom in the worst way,
so he hurried to find the men's room.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found
a beautiful fountain with foliage. Since nobody was watching
and his need was becoming more urgent, he decided to relieve
himself right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act
had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found
his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said indignantly. "You were in it!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,

"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.

Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."



The lady immediately started taking off her clothes.....



Doctor, stopping her said: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

[BubbleGumTiger]

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

[NOREDHEADS]

Barack Obama.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A must read for Grandparents....(Those who aren't will love it, too.)


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old
baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation
is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what
matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called,
you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a
pecker-head, d!ckhead or a$$hole. Do you understand all that?'

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a
chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb
a$$ or sh!thead" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach....Now go over there and explain all that to your
grandmother

[BubbleGumTiger]

Exhaustipated

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

It will be especially useful to us senior folks!

Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a sh!t.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, Explained, that's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

[BubbleGumTiger]

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

~Frank Sinatra

[noreply66]

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

~Frank Sinatra

Sounds like something Dean Martin would say

[BubbleGumTiger]

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

[BubbleGumTiger]

This is straight forward country thinking...
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:










1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim


This is straight forward country thinking...
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:










1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim






You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. ..........You may be a Muslim

[BubbleGumTiger]

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

[BubbleGumTiger]

"You know you're a Redneck" when...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.