Jokes Or Funny Stories

[1974Viking]

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.
" Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, " Does she still have the hiccups?"

[1974Viking]

Today's Chuckle!

Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

What's that mean?' asked the child.
Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you.

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK,
you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the
block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'


(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!! ! )

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home.'

If you ain't laffin'...


You ain't livin'

[OZZIEOHIO]

[noreply66]

:122246

[BubbleGumTiger]

Apple does it again!




Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them...

[noreply66]

Some woman will beat you up

[Tiger Lady]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were tragically involved in a fatal car accident.
They then find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them to Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. But this is the first time anyone has asked this question. So let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all... 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered,
'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs them "you can get married in Heaven."

'Great!' said the couple, ..."but we were just wondering,
what if things don't work out?.... Could we also get a divorce
in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!'

[Charley Hustle]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.


Doctor: "What happened?"


Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home

drunk he beats me to a pulp."


Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk,

just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow.


Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is asleep."


Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk,

I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Tiger Lady]

How do you get a Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?

.........Grease her hips and push.

[gametime]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ?'Seven Points.'His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' ?Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops the bed..The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[gametime]

How do u piss off a hitchhiker? Pick em up and do a u-turn...

[gametime]

A man & his nagging wife went on vacation n Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband."You can have her buried here n the Holy Land 4 $150 or we can have her shipped back home 4 $5,000. The husband thought about it & told him he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "y would u spend $5,000 2 ship her home when it would only cost u $150 here?" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, & was buried here, & 3 days later, rose from the dead. I Just can't take that chance!

[gametime]

"Of course I won't laugh", said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over 20yrs I've never laughed @ a patient.""Okay then", said Fred. & he proceeded 2 drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length & width it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable 2 control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell 2 the floor laughin. 10mins Later she was able 2 struggle 2 her feet & regain her composure"I am so sorry", she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse & a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems 2 be the problem?"..."It's swollen", Fred replied. She ran out of the room.

[Tiger Lady]

. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

[noreply66]

A man & his nagging wife went on vacation n Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband."You can have her buried here n the Holy Land 4 $150 or we can have her shipped back home 4 $5,000. The husband thought about it & told him he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "y would u spend $5,000 2 ship her home when it would only cost u $150 here?" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, & was buried here, & 3 days later, rose from the dead. I Just can't take that chance!

Now that is funny

[gametime]

Come
with me to a third grade classroom...... There
is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and
all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his
feet and the front of his pants are wet. He
thinks his heart is going to sto p because he
cannot possibly imagine how this has
happened. It's never happened before, and
he knows that when the boys find out he will
never hear the end of it. When the girls find
out, they'll never speak to him again as long as
he lives...








The boy
believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his
head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this
is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes
from now I'm dead
meat.'








He looks
up from his prayer and here comes the teacher
with a look in her eyes that says he has been
discovered.








As the
teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named
Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled
with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher
and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the
boy's lap.








The boy
pretends to be angry, but all the while is
saying to hi mself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you,
Lord!'








Now all
of a sudden, instead of being the object of
ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The
teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym
shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All
the other children are on their hands and knees
cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is
wonderful . But as life would have it, the
ridicule that should have been his has been
transferred to someone else -
Susie.








She
tries to help, but they tell her to get out.
You've done enough, you
klutz!'








Finally,
at the end of the day, as they are waiting for
the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and
whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?'
Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once
too..'

[gametime]

MY POINT EXACTLY
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.




He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if

it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."


"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.







Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else

pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[gametime]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking acigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day,"she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Thirty-four," she replied.

[gametime]

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan".

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D!

No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

[WhiteWhiskers]

American Lindsey Vonn to Forfeit Gold Medal



American Lindsey Vonn has to Forfeit her Gold Medal, September 30, 2010

The International Olympic Committee announced
today that it has taken back the gold medal
previously awarded to American skier Lindsey
Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama.




Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has. :122245 :122245 :122246