Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Wife asks husband,

"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,

"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."


Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

[Leo Byrd]

"When I joined the military it was illegal

to be homosexual, then it became optional.

I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."

-GySgt Harry Berres, USMC

[Orange and Brown]

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have sht in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

Thats funny right there!

[Orange and Brown]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills
in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ...

Well I think I'll laugh every time I open my Wallet now!

[Orange and Brown]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years
old having sex would be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and
out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and
if the darn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive
today.

That was great!!

[mustang_lvr]

funny

[BubbleGumTiger]

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and
asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing
oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is
$65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."

[BubbleGumTiger]

THE BLUE PIGEON

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix . He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.


One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.


The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon.
The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.


The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.


The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.


Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?


Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?


Do you think He is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?


Nooooooo!


This will get a smile out of you!


The mayor asked:


"Do you have a blue Mexican?"

[noreply66]

I saw one hold his breath until he turned blue but it just made more gather

[BubbleGumTiger]

How to stop the oil leak in the gulf:

Put a wedding band on it and in 30 days it will stop putting out.......

[blue53]

How to stop the oil leak in the gulf:

Put a wedding band on it and in 30 days it will stop putting out.......

[noreply66]

[BubbleGumTiger]








A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden, so, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and say, '$20 or off it comes'."

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

She shrugs and replies, "Well, you know, not everybody pays."

[Orange and Brown]

Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to

work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good

worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the

company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.



One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charlie, I have

to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but you're being

late so often is quite bothersome."



"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."



''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd

though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What

did they say if you came in late there?"



''They said, 'Good morning, Chief! Can I get you some coffee?'''

That was great!!!!

[BubbleGumTiger]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner


Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram,
and Max, invented and developed the first automobile
air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in
Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him
that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting
innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to
the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was
about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and
cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back
to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the
patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2
million, but they wanted the recognition by having a
label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard
of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-
Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the
Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and
finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first
names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[WhiteWhiskers]

A senior citizens' group charters an overnight
gambling casino bus trip from Cincinnati, Ohio
to Council Bluffs, IA.

As they entered Iowa, an elderly woman comes
up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been
molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and
had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her
seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes
forward, and claims that she was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old
wackos, but who would be molesting those old
ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes
up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough
and pulls into the next rest area. When he
turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an
old man on his hands and knees crawling in
the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?'
says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three
times, but every time I try to grab it it runs
away!'







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[BubbleGumTiger]

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I tinka maybe my wifa caughta glimpse."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Bulletin... you heard it here first!


British Petroleum announced today that they will no longer hire coastal Cajuns to help in the cleanup. Robichaux and Trosclair were told to clean as many brown pelicans as they could....

So far, they have cleaned and gutted over 56 birds.

[WhiteWhiskers]

THE BLUE PIGEON

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix . He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.


One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.


The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon.
The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.


The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.


The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.


Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?


Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?


Do you think He is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?


Nooooooo!


This will get a smile out of you!


The mayor asked:


"Do you have a blue Mexican?"