JOKE'S

[robycop3]

Blonde:(To 911 dispatcher) "Send the fire Dept. quick! My house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "How do they get there?"

Blonde: "In that big red truck, I hope!"

[robycop3]

I walked into a Muslim bookstore & asked the clerk, "Do you have that Donald Trump book about banning Muslems from the USA?"

"Get out & stay out!"

"Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

[gametime]

A doctor from France says: “In France, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 7 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole darn country is looking for work."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Late Night Phone Call to the Veterinarian

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after
her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs
mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male
lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

[BubbleGumTiger]

My Building Permit:

Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it green with pink trim. Then I was gonna hire some idiot to stand on top of it and SCREAM as loud as he could three or four times a day.

The City Council told me; Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque." Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt!

I love this country. It's the government that scares me.

[BubbleGumTiger]

There is the story of a pastor who got up one
Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good
news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to
pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Since the snow came all my wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD 40.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[gametime]

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T."

[gametime]

Finally my winter fat is gone,
Now I have spring rolls